Forgiveness
Forgive and forget?!! Hogwash!
Forgive - YES! Forget - NO!
I think it’s important not to forget. To forget would be a waste of a valuable experience from which we could get wiser.
I’m not saying you keep bringing up the past, what I am suggesting is that it’s worth getting a bit savvy from the wounding experience. It’s important to release anger, annoyance and bitterness (even that little need for revenge). These are emotions are just not worth carrying and if left unattended, can lead to illness. It’s simply not worth putting yourself through that.
However, I think gaining some wisdom from the hurt allows you to set some suitable rules. These will look different depending on the relationship, from limiting contact, rebuilding trust, setting guidelines for any contact you wish to maintain, to severing a relationship altogether.
Forgiving someone does not mean you need to allow that person to continue hurting you, and is not about letting them off the hook for a wrong-doing, or pain they have caused. It certainly does not mean that you stick around for future maltreatment!
It is about setting yourself free so that you can move forward in your own life, with or without the person who has hurt you.
Keep in mind, you cannot heal another person, nor can you make them kinder or more respectful. That said, you are also not responsible for the choices others make. You do not need to try and change them or how they feel about you, that is something they have control over, not you.
So how does one forgive?
Mostly, it’s a choice. You decide to forgive and not hold that hurt within you any longer. Review the story and re-engineer it. Decide the best course of action for you going forward. Maybe, you need to disengage or limit your time spent with a friend or family member that has consistently been hurtful towards you. Perhaps, you need to design a strategy for how you will interact with them in future. Look at the strengths and knowledge that you developed as a result of this situation and put them to good use.
Be nice to yourself! Blaming yourself for not seeing the signs sooner doesn't help. You can understand and forgive without accepting bad or abusive behaviour going forward. If that person doesn’t make you feel good, or lashes out at you, then it’s okay to ditch them.