Speak Nice!
I usually speak up for men, as you know most of my clients are guys from all walks of like. Today however, I am touching on a matter for girls and women. But gents, don’t stop reading, this concerns you too.
Recently, I had to comfort my teenage daughter because she received a lewd remark from a bus driver in town. She was torn between being stunned, angry and a somewhat freaked out by the incident. Every instinct in me wanted to find the man and give him a piece of my mind!
But you know what, I had to sit there and hear her distress. How she tried to fathom that some men feel it’s okay to say weird, inappropriate, sexist things to young girls and how helpless that made her feel.
I was the one that felt helpless.
The fact is, I had to tell my daughter that every women receives harassment and it is sickening.
Whether it’s a sexist comment, joke or remark, it can be hard to know how to react to them. Often sexist comments are delivered as jokes - there is nothing funny, it’s offensive and nasty!
As parents, why would we want to tell our daughters that they have to live with it? I want to empower her to respectfully speak up for herself. Yet, if a girl complains, then she’s defined as difficult, ‘a bit crazy’ and over-reacting! There seems to be a societal rule of engagement that women and girls should be able to politely tolerate flippant remarks and male outburst, urges and insecurities.
EXCUSE ME?
NO!!!!
Sadly, girls are raised to be polite, apologetic, non-confrontational, mostly out of fear that it could cause trouble for her. I know I was, and quite frankly, I don’t want that for my daughter.
Had my daughter raised her phone and asked the driver to repeat himself while she records it; or raised her voice, (for the fellow travellers to hear) and asked him what he was implying…I can’t help thinking she would have been thrown off the bus.
No female ever signs up to be sexually harassed.
There’s this weird unspoken rule that women must accept this kind of ugly behaviour. To protest, they are rocking-the-boat and being ‘a bit mad’, unreasonable or over-reacting. But women keep quiet out of fear due to possible repercussions. Traditionally, men have more power than women (and more physical strength). With this power, some feel they can maltreat women knowing they will get away with it.
Here’s the advice I gave my daughter:
Find your voice - speak it calmly, precisely and strongly. Stay poised and composed. Practice it. Develop the skill of speaking up and clearly. Keep your cool.
When receiving a sexist/unsuitable joke or remark - respectfully (never lose your self respect) ask them to explain what they mean by their comment. Pretend you don’t get it. Stay calm, poised and serious. Let them be forced to confront the plain truth of their comment.
When getting harassed in public say “What?” or “Pardon?” as if you didn’t hear them. The more they have to repeat themselves the dafter they sound. Don’t be afraid to speak up, especially if other people are close by.
Feel free to turn the tables on them - “Do you speak to male colleagues/passengers like that too?”; “Do you call your male customers ‘sweetheart’ too?” Or give it back: “Good boy”.
Stop any sexist remarks in their tracks - hold your hand up (as a stop signal) with a “I think you need to stop now, we don’t want to hear it.”
If your phone is in your hand, raise it up and ask them for a replay for your social media.
Men/Boys: Being aggressive, rude, flippant, harsh isn’t attractive. It’s not a great way to connect with women. It doesn’t make you desirable in anyway. It’s harassment and it terrifies girls. If you feel the need to harass a teenage girl (Mr. Bus Driver) then perhaps you need to seek some help, because for them it’s traumatic. What is your underlying intent? If it’s to be rude, then don’t speak, we don’t need to hear it. If it’s to create communication with a women or to relate to her, then maybe be a tad more kind, respectful and considerate towards her, it works more effectively.
Women/Girls: Hold on to your respect. Be calm and serious (although you may feel angry on the inside). Stay in your calm! When in doubt, be a lady. Rise above it and be smarter, unruffled and dignified. If a man is aggressive or rude to you then you are not at fault. You need not take responsibility for his insecurities, let him talk to himself as you walk away. Above all, stay safe.