Home Alone
It’s Saturday 21st December, 3 am and my dog is sounding the alarm as I have never heard her do before. I get up, grab my gown, and turn on the light. A silhouette of a tall, sizeable man standing outside my front door materialises before my sleepy eyes.
“Hello?” I call out as assertively as I can.
“Can I come in and use your phone?” said a slurred, gruff voice.
“No” my first instinctive response.
“Bitch, let me in! I need to use your phone.”
“Why?” I’m trying to be brave here, but words are failing me.
“Bitch, just let me in!” he sounds a lot more menacing.
“I’m not going to do that.”
“I need to call home, let me in, damn it!”
“I’m not going to do that.”
I’m home alone, it’s the dead of night and I live in a back section.
(Thankfully, my daughters are with their father this weekend. I would hate for them to bear witness to this.)
I hold strong and refuse to let him in. He starts getting more aggressive, swearing and cursing, banging on the door.
“You need to leave now.” I’m being as resolute as I can possibly be under the circumstances.
He turns and stumbles down the front steps, grabs some stones from drive and hurls them at the house, expletives bursting forth with his attack.
I switch on all the lights. Watch and listen to him progresses up the drive to the main road. My heart is screaming in my ears. I’m terrified. I just stand there. Waiting - I don’t know for how long. When I come to my senses, and don’t think he’s likely to come back….I breathe. I pace the house (which doesn’t take long, as it’s small). I give my dog a well earned treat and cuddle.
Do I call the police? Do I call…? Who do I call? Who. Do. I. Call? It’s gone 3.30 am, who do I reach out to for comfort? My mind goes completely blank.
Trying to calm down, I make a cup of tea, grab my novel and sit in bed. There is no way I’ll be able to sleep after that! I read, listen carefully to my environment…just in case…you know. I wait for dawn, a new day, the solace of daylight. Just waiting.
Depression can feel very much like my frightful night. The intrusive and sinister visitor at the door, ready to invade our mental and emotional territory. Threatening and intimidating when we feel most vulnerable.
We tackle it to the best of capabilities, being brave and stoic to deny it entry. But it creeps into out thoughts, our behaviours and I seeps its way into our lives, rocking out sturdy boat of reality. And then in the dead of night…when it’s at it’s worst and we need that reassurance…who do we call?
During those dark hours, as we stare into the empty blackness it’s difficult to remember who we can call. I know in the light of day, I have many people I can touch base with and say: “Hey I feel unsafe, I’m scared, I need help.” But in the dead of night, I don’t remember any of these people, none of us do. It’s the most alone feeling in the world.
All through Saturday, I stayed in that shocked silence. Just going through the motions of what needed to be done. My head creates dangerous “what if” scenarios that dragged me down further into the place of fear.
When we are depressed, these “what if’s” become enormous and swamp out any possibilities of recovery…of hope.
I went to bed early and slept for a while and then woke in the early hours, almost like an alarm had been set. I wait, listening closely to every sound. Waiting for dawn once again.
The next day, I told someone. Then another, then another. I got hugs, I got told off for not calling them in the night and I realised there were people I could wake up and speak with. I discovered how concerned they were for me and wanted to have had the opportunity to be there for me.
As soon as I spoke up, help came. I was humbled by the care people wanted to freely offer. Their concern and affection was heart felt.
Admitting we are vulnerable and scared takes so much courage. But once we do, there are some amazing people who we hadn’t noticed before, ready to step in and assist. Not because they feel they have to, but because we mean a lot to them.
I implore you to be vulnerable and brave. Speak to one person about what is happening to you and let them help you speak to a few more until the demon is sent away, you can feel safe and secure. You can have a back up plan for when the threat comes around again and this time you’ll know what to do and who you call.