Recognising Emotional Black Mail (Part 1)

You’re standing in the kitchen, peacefully making a cuppa, when suddenly your partner asks, “So, do you think you could take me to the airport tomorrow at 4 a.m.?” You hesitate for a moment, then they hit you with that dreaded phrase, “I just thought you loved me enough to help me out... but I guess I was wrong.”

Boom! Emotional blackmail.

Suddenly, you’re not just deciding whether to sacrifice your sleep for a long drive to the airport. No, you’re defending your love, your worth, and your entire character. What’s a little lost sleep when your very soul is on trial, right?

But before you find yourself caving in and agreeing to something unreasonable, let’s break down what emotional blackmail is, how to recognise it, and next month, we’ll look at how to defuse it.

Emotional blackmail is the ultimate manipulation tool to coerce you into doing something you really don’t want to do. The blackmailer is often a person close to you, some one you love and care about, and they use that love and concern to get you to do their bidding. There is no yelling and screaming, but instead, they use subtle tactics, like guilt, fear, or threats of withdrawing affection.

They’ll say things like:

“If you really cared about me, you’d [insert unreasonable demand here].”

Sound familiar? Yeah, that’s emotional blackmail in action. It’s easy to spot emotional blackmail when it’s over the top, but it often sneaks up in subtler ways. Here are the key four red flags to look out for:

The Guilt Trip Express: Someone makes you feel guilty for saying no to something that’s a reasonable boundary. They might say things like, "I can't believe you would  dismiss me like this after everything I've done for you.”

The Silent Treatment Marathon: Upon declining a request you are punished by the silent treatment - a classic form of emotional blackmail where attention is withdrawn. The idea is that you’ll miss their company so much, you’ll give in just to get back in their good graces.

Dramatic Ultimatums: “If you don’t do this, I’ll just [something extreme and dramatic].” Blackmailers can thrive on creating a false sense of urgency or catastrophe. They’ll make it seem like if you don’t comply, the world as you know it will crumble. But guess what? The sky won’t fall if you don’t answer that 3 a.m. text demanding a long, intense conversation about their ex.

Playing the Victim Card: This is when they turn every situation into how they are the true victim. No matter what, you’re the villain, and they’re the poor, misunderstood soul who just needs your help.

The good news is, you don’t need to don armour or carry around a shield (though that could make for an epic Instagram post). You just need a few key strategies. And you’ll get these in my next blog.