Asking for Help
It’s really hard asking for help when you are the one who usually helps everyone else. There is that underlying assumption, that asking for help, makes you appear weak or pathetic. We would rather sort things out for ourselves than feel like that, right?!
I admit it - I’m not too good at asking for help. And when I am not too good at doing something, I want to find a way to get better at it. When I get stuck in this unhealthy loop of “not asking for help”, here is what I have to remind myself:
* That helping one another is ‘relationship glue’. When we collaborate and help one another, we build relationships. If we push people away and aim to do it ourselves we are increasing the gap between us.
* I am not giving the relationship the trust that holds it together. Instead I am severing our feelings of connectedness. Without trust, then what is relationship worth? Not a lot.
* I am not giving the other person (in the relationship) the gift of offering their service. I am denying them an opportunity to contribute. I help a lot of people every single day and a close friend reminded me that a lot of these people would jump at the chance to help me in return. By not calling on them or by pushing their help away, I am being selfish - denying them the joy of giving.
So, how do we go about asking for help? Here are some things I have learnt:
Don’t apologise about asking for help. Because by showering someone with apologises when asking for help, you are devaluing the help that is given to you and devaluing the person helping you.
“I’m really sorry and I don’t really want to ask you to do this, I’m sure I can manage it myself, I mean, it’s such a small thing and I’m being really silly, but would you be able to…” That’s just plain rude! The other person feels obliged to help you. They don’t get a lot of satisfaction helping you because they know you hate having to ask them.
The goes for using disclaimers too, like “I don’t usually ask for help, and I wouldn’t if I didn’t need to…” It’s horribly uncomfortable, and although most people would say ‘yes’ to helping, be assured they are doing it because they have to and not because they want to.
Don’t give bribes or incentives. You don’t need to pay a friend to help you when you are struggling. Friendship is about being on the same team. When you offer an incentive you are turning the friendship into a transaction. If you friend has a skill set and want their services - fine, book a professional appointment. But as a friend, if you need help, go to them as a friend and let them support you. You would do the same in return would you not?
Don’t ask for help by email or text unless you no other option. A screen is impersonal and a barrier. Asking personally, bonds the relationship powerfully and you are over 30 times more likely to get a positive response in person than by email.
Do tell the other person what help you need and be very clear about it. Don’t make it a guessing game. Make it easy for them to help you. If you need them to hold you, say it. If you need them to listen without judgement, say it plainly. Don’t be cruel and add a frustrating guessing game in the mix. Let them focus their energy on supporting you and not trying to work out how.
So I am learning (not quite 100% there yet) to tell my friends I am struggling and that I need support. It’s bringing us closer, making our inner circle a very special place that we share together. I am able to be open and say what I need from them and they can do the same with me.
The most important thing I have learnt is that after the help, I let them know how their help helped me. I reconnect with them and share what it did for me and how grateful and appreciative I am that I could call on them and they were there. I also express what it was that they did that I deeply appreciated. I highlight and acknowledge their skill. I found doing this made the relationship stronger, brought us closer together and left the door open for either of us to ask for help in future.