Being Strong
The problem with being strong is that nobody expects you to be otherwise. You are always the dependable one, the one with all the solutions, the one that reaches out first and helps. And most of the time you are strong. You are perfectly capable of assisting and it’s just what you do.
But just now and then, things can feel like they are too much even for the strongest person. The burden they carry is heavy, and just one small event too many, can see them internally topple.
The signals are there though:
* The odd comment on how hard it feels
* Injustices irritate more than normal
* They go quiet
* They withdraw a little each day
* They have the mantra “Ahh, it’s nothing I can’t sort out for myself”
* They want some space, preferably being left alone
They doubt themselves and so they start to bottle things up and close down emotionally. The problem with this closing down, is that it compounds. The strong person feels they have to hold it together and the conflict they experience gets buried. Being strong for others, becomes a habit and we all know how hard changing some habits can be, especially when they are tangled with your identity.
So, where does a strong person go to get support?
Sadly, most do not. They really don’t know how to trust someone with whom they can drop their defences and be vulnerable. Those they normally trust, don’t tend to pick up on problems or signals and so they start to think that they are not significant enough to burden anyone with their troubles.
To share those weak moments is hugely intimate. Being that exposed is the bravest thing in the world for a strong person, it can be more intimate than sex. What they need is a safe and non judgmental space to simply be heard and acknowledged.
They could go to a complete stranger (preferable a suitably trained therapist) and get some help…but they don’t know this person, trust has yet to be established. Having the right support and trust is paramount because when you have held it together for so long, what might happen when you let it all come flooding out? Will you go back to being the strong person or will you fall apart easily like everyone else. If that occurs, what happens to your identity? You like being the strong one, it’s who you are and what you do, and if you can’t be, then what? It’s terrifying business!
I want to say, it need not be that terrifying. But in all honesty it is. It’s scary as hell! But you need only be brave for a few moments because once you start speaking it begins to get easier.
“Will they think I am being pathetic, weak and a cry baby? I really don’t like complaining about stuff. Will it be okay to not be strong in front of this person?”
Yes! It will be completely okay to let your guard down. Nothing you say is trivial. It all matters! Getting it out of you, allows you to sort it out. Instead of staying in your head going around in ceaseless circles that make the whole thing feel hopeless.
The wonderful things about strong people is they have a level of resilience that surpasses most others. Once they have got it out in the open they can breathe again. There is a level of freedom that allows them to be stronger in a more powerful way. They are often not looking to be “fixed” although they may feel “broken”.
So, if you have a strong person in your life, let them take the limelight now and then. Give them space to just talk, vent and DO NOT TRY AND FIX IT! A strong person doesn’t want to be rescued they want to feel validated. Don’t leave them to it to mull it over. Instead listen and let them know that you are in their corner supporting and cheering them on no matter what. Be quiet and let them have their say. Bear witness to their perceived injustices and pain - validate them. Give them some heartfelt understanding so they can continue to be strong for you.
And if you are a strong person and need help, in my next column I am going to share some tips about how (and how not) to ask for help so you stop pushing away the people you love.